Help! My positivity went toxic!

“She believed she could, so she did”.

Firstly, huge congratulations to her, whoever she is. Personally, I looked at the to-do list, knew perfectly well that I couldn’t, and didn’t.

The promise of positivity

Anybody who has spent a few hours online has probably stumbled on a motivational quote or two and in theory, they’re meant to spur you on to great things. Sayings like “you’ve got this”, “good vibes only”. Or “she believed she could, so she did”.

They’re trying to make you feel like you’re capable, powerful, positive.

But what happens when you’re not feeling those things? What does it feel like to see “good vibes only” when you’re feeling heartbroken? What if quitting is the right decision for you, but all you’re seeing around you is “you’ve got this” and “never give up”?

This brand of positivity, the kind that doesn’t make any allowance for negative emotions, exhaustion, or real life, becomes a toxic influence in everyday life. It actually makes you feel even worse. You should be feeling positive, everybody says so, so why aren’t you?

When the world around you says positive vibes only, the result often is the total suppression of all other emotions, and a growing sense of shame for feeling them. Your real experience becomes detached from your outward expression.

The alternative

Rejecting toxic positivity doesn’t mean living a cynical, negative life. Rather, by effectively sitting with and processing difficult emotions, we can give ourselves a much better chance of fully embracing and enjoying the positive ones as well.

Yet honest emotional processing and expression are not things most people get taught at school. We see every day the expression of joyful emotions; celebrations, hugs at airport arrivals, smiles and laughter. And for the most part, we don’t see the expression of difficult things. Those happen behind closed doors.

Except in art.

In art we hear heartbreaks happening through song. We see mental health difficulties laid out on canvas. We watch dramas which feature pain and loss and tragedy. And we understand, on some level, that the people who create these works have processed their feelings through their song, dance, book, sculpture, clothing, painting… however they choose.

“The canvas doesn’t care whether you paint it yellow, or black as ink”

This is the model we can use and practice, to counter toxic positivity. This is how we learn to sit comfortably with discomfort. We create. We draw. We make playlists full of the music of other people who have been through the same and we sing along hideously while taking a long, hot shower. We colour in and choose all the darkest, moodiest colours and feel some comfort in seeing our pain represented on the page. When we’re exhausted and broken down, we allow ourselves space to craft and design in sharp edges and angular shapes.

The canvas, you see, isn’t like social media, expecting the best of you every day. It doesn’t tire of you if you bring it negative feelings for months. The canvas doesn’t care whether you paint it yellow, or black as ink. It’s a completely safe space to come exactly as you are.

Sometimes, creating can be used to invite joy back in. Sometimes it’s using bright colours on a drab day. Sometimes it’s slowing down your pen to settle your heartrate.

But sometimes, it’s a way to exist in whatever pain or darkness you need to sit with, to process those feelings and find a way to express them so that you, and others, understand them

And in the end, that gives you the chance, eventually, to invite joy back in.